I’ve been relatively quiet over the past few months. It’s been a time of reflection and regrouping for me.

In the past, things that happened a year ago seemed so distant. Time would pass, and I wouldn’t give much thought to what had occurred. Life would simply move on, and I would focus my attention on current and future events.

This previous year has been a different story. The trauma that took place in my life last summer is still very fresh in my mind. The thoughts and feelings are always present. It’s a roller coaster of emotions every day.

Each morning I do a pulmonary function test. It feels as though the grade I’ll receive will be pass or fail. I’ve done my homework, I’ve been present in every class, but I’ve not been able to study for this test, so I have no control over my daily score.

But isn’t that how all things are in life? No matter how much we feel we’re in control, we’re not.

We can work our hardest and be the best humans possible, but it’s arrogant to believe we have complete control of our lives. We have no control over what others do or what they think of us, no control over if it rains or shines, no control over the timing of our final day on earth.

YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL!

God has hung this truth prominently in my world, and it’s been flashing like a neon sign for over a year now.

Oh, how I thought I had control of my health. I mean, I worked out harder than most everyone I knew, and I ate the cleanest diet you can imagine. There was very little chance I would fall victim to a life-threatening illness. I truly believed I had a firm grip on my health.

That was quite the story I was telling myself. Wasn’t it?

When I noticed signs of my declining health, I told myself if I would take some downtime and get some rest, I’d get better. And the day before they moved me to ICU, I journaled that I was improving and should be going home soon.

It wasn’t until the doctor told me that I needed to be on a ventilator that I understood I had lost control. But the truth is losing control was impossible because I didn’t have it in the first place.

I consider my neon message a gift. It’s a daily reminder to do my best, focus on the positive, make life choices that matter, and share His love with others. And most of all, it’s a daily reminder to let go of the pressure I put on myself to be in control because the ultimate outcome of all things is under the authority of the Lord.

Ultimately, the only thing I do have control of is my attitude toward whatever life brings. Keeping a positive attitude along with having humility and showing grace to myself and others is what I strive for daily.

It doesn’t always happen, though. There are days that my tears won’t stop, and showing myself grace is the farthest thing on my mind. I get angry because I don’t know why I’m on this path.

I’m a planner! I need a plan. But at this point, I don’t know what the plan is.

More times than I can count, God has held me close and gently whispered, “Trust me. We are with you no matter what. I know the plan, so you don’t need to worry.”

So, I sit quietly and reflect on who I am, what a full life for me genuinely looks like, and how I can find a positive outlook every day.

These are the truths I’ve realized.

Here’s who I’m not:

I’m no longer the woman who can do burpees for a full minute.

I don’t own a gym or spend my days working in the fitness industry.

I’m not a group fitness instructor.

I’m not as healthy or as strong as I once was.

I’m not someone who can say, “I don’t take medicine.” or “I never get sick.”

I can no longer sing (not that I was great at it before) because my vocal cords are damaged.

I can’t be around large crowds, spend time in the sun, eat certain foods, or have ice at restaurants (crazy, but that’s a thing).

I’m not as brave as I once was.

And, of course, I’m not in control.

But here’s who I AM:

I’m a woman with a story to tell about miraculous healing and the overwhelming mercy of God.

I’m a double-lung transplant recipient.

I’ve been granted a second chance at life through a gift from a stranger.

I have a family who abundantly loves and cares for me.

I have amazing friends who encourage and support me.

I am saved by grace through Christ Jesus.

I’m a child of God, and He loves me deeply.

Although my life here may be shorter than I planned, I have a promise of eternal life.

I have a deep desire to let others know they can have the same promise.

My future is in the hands of my Creator, and He is in complete control.

I AM UTTERLY BLESSED!

So, no, I’m not in control. But I intimately know the One who is.

He reminds me daily that He is with me, and He has a plan and purpose for everything that’s happening.

He freely paid the ultimate price on the cross for my salvation.

Because Jesus loved me enough to do that, how can I not have faith in what He’s doing through me for His glory?

Even though I’m somewhat fearful of what lies ahead, I’m excited to see what God has in store.